pear shaped

the other day i received an email from a friend saying "i have bought you a ticket to the christmas party, now that everything has gone pear shaped in your life"
that's when it really hit me
all this think-positive-attitude has clouded my vision
things are pretty bad
i'm just trying to think what's right in my life at the moment (oh, the think positive thing again)
i have friends, i have got a number of good friends and that hasn't always been the case
everything else is, well, pear shaped
i don't have a place that feels like home anymore,
i rush between staying with my mother who i will never get along with and a place full of people i have invited to share the house and who have almost unanimously turned against me
the only projects i get are stupid and boring and i have not managed to hide this opinion from my clients which might make them stop giving me any further projects which would lead straight into a financial crisis which is just about the only problem i haven't got right now
intellectually challenging, exciting jobs are nowhere to be seen although i have put most of my energy into finding them for at least the past 5 years
i don't have a boyfriend or anybody i'm remotely interested in nor do i feel particularly attractive to go out and find someone
and i have a painfully slipped disc in my lower spine

a lot of think-positive to be done now

refocus

on a working day on the verge of sleeping
after a night spent resenting people's selfish behaviour
all that remains is the immediate neccessity to refocus my life

forgotten

i had already forgotten about him by the time i got to terminal 2
at the junction between terminal 2 and 3 we'd said a brief farewell
earlier on the tube train when he thought i had to get off the stop before him we'd already swapped polite thanks and invitations
like the last time on this dark street corner in the indian himalayas it feels like this was the last time i will ever see him
the selfish part of me thinks i should have gone to new york city to visit him first
it would have amounted to the same disillusionment but i would have got a stay in the east village out of it
the unselfish me is thinking: "why did i get it so wrong again?"
all that was such a turnoff this weekend i'd already felt these first two hours on the bus in the mountains
i always know immediately
but then i convince myself otherwise and it takes a few days to a few years to remember what i'd known all along
i wonder if i'll ever be able to cut down on this time even more
it just might result in me rejecting everybody straight away
but maybe that's more effecient
right now i'm mostly angry with myself
angry and drained of optimism
alone
again
nothing and nobody to keep me from focusing on my work
that is a good thing
but will i be able to display the optimism needed if i feel nothing but emptiness?

cases

The baggage reclaim is unusually crowded with business men clinging to their case laptops while waiting for a board case that is not considered a board case anymore.

to queue

Waiting to get on my 4th flight within 6 days, my laptop bag just squeezes into the new carry on baggage slot, the trial cages have hastily been slimmed with the addition of plain pulp board boxes inside. Shoes have to be removed from feet, laptops from bags and lipsticks into bins. Endless queues stretch from one check to the next. Surprisingly the cafe is queue free.

cold

i have just ordered a got chocolate and it is the last day of may today and summer clothes are inappropriate and i cannot even feel the warmth of an indian beach anymore

too tired

too tired to be evaluating happiness